Facebooks reminded me today that 3 years ago I decided to have my guts rearranged.

here’s a video recap. (Dont watch these. yeah i posted them, but just for show man.  Jeez)

Thats my first day post op.  I forget my belly was THAT big.

This is my jubilant 1st year post op video.  I ran my first mile.  I practically sparkled.  oh WLS honeymoon.

This is last years.  Man, I looked tired.  It was also pretty hilarious to hear myself try to use weightlifting terminology.  Much of it was wrong. There’s a bit of a learning curve.

Did I do a video for this year?  no.  Will I?  possibly.  I mean, I should for posterity’s sake.

I can post a video of me doing some push jerks yesterday in preparation for a weightlifting meet in June.

It’s also just about a year ago I started crossfit and got addicted to lifting.

How’s my weight?  Its up a bit.  I put on about 20lbs over the year, give or take.  A few week(s) ago I started having a slight melt down over it.  (did someone say cookies?)

Since then I have started this whole gonna-post-a-pic-of-everything-I-eat thing.  It’s really helped me cut down on the unnecessary snacking.  Mostly because I dont feel like posting a pic of a handful of chex mix.  And I dont NEED that chex mix.  Im bored at work usually.

Since then I have started a weekly weigh in again and I’m down like 2lbs.  Mostly I feel better.  The unnecessary snacking was causing a lot of unnecessary guilt.  And I was feeling helpless to the regain.

Also, Im working on self image and negative self talk.  Doing a lot of replacement talk.  (It’s not a struggle, its a challenge)

But really the numbers I want to post are these.

1 Rep max:

Deadlift: 270lbs

Backsquat: 225lbs

Frontsquat: 160lbs

Clean and Jerk: 110lbs

Snatch: 90lbs

I run a bit faster.  At least my 400m split has been a 2:50 on a really really good day at the box.

At the end of May Ill do a hero WOD called Murph.  Its in honor for a Marine who died in service and this was his favorite workout:

1 mile run

100 pull ups

200 sit ups

300 air squats

1 mile run

and you’re supposed to do it with a 20lb vest on.  I’ve got my copious amounts of skin.  Fair enough.  Last year I did Murph with a month of crossfit under my belt at 1 hr 08mins.  I want to beat that time this year around.

Goals?  Moar weights.  I’m back in class to finish my degree..finally.  so Moar classes.  I’m still working on being happy with this body.  Moar positive.  I’m trying to live Moar.

April seems to be the month I do shit. Three years ago, I had bariatric surgery on April 24th. I lost about 170lbs.

One year ago I started Crossfit. I’ve gained about 20lbs back, in hopefully mostly lean muscle.  I’ve put at least 80lbs on my deadlift.  I’m up to 225lb back squat.  I can go faster, longer, more efficiently and with better form then a year ago when I started.  I’ve got more muscle tone.  I was actually getting happy with the person in the mirror.

I let myself enjoy food again.  And eat out with people.  and eat bread and rice and CARBS.  I was working out 4-5 days a week.  I earned some damn carbs.

Then I got on the scale. Im weighing in at 190ish lbs right now. People who eat right and exercise dont weight 190lbs. so Im fucking up somewhere, right?

I started obsessively thinking about this weight gain about a month or so ago.  Even though I can wear every piece of clothing from last year to this day, with 20lbs heavier on the scale, all I can feel is that I’m failing.

I’m failing my surgery.  I’m failing to keep the weight off.  Am I back sliding? Is this re-gain? Am I eating too much? They said athletes should eat more carbs.  and more protein.  and more.

Im on the verge of 200lbs and the mere thought of it makes me cry.

Back to high protein!  Cut the carbs!  No unnecessary snacking. Suffer for the fat loss.  People who are REALLY trying dont cheat and eat carbs.  You got too lax, lazy!  You dont get to eat fries AND lose weight, fatty failure.

This line of thinking took me down the rabbit hole of self loathing over 2 cups of popcorn and some chex mix I ate yesterday more out of boredom and a knee-jerk need for some carbs. Because popcorn and chex mix are NOT low carb, high protein, “good for you.” People trying to lose fat don’t eat carbs for no good reason.  And I certainly didn’t earn those carbs by working out and burning off energy stores.

I was a puddle of tears and self-hatred and I ruined a perfectly nice evening with my boyfriend because I ate some popcorn. (there was also some cookies I purchased, didnt eat, and then cried about again at 6am because I wanted to eat them)

Today, april 17, 2015, Im done. Im fucking done. I am not my food. I am not my food choices.

So, thats it.  I’m not about to start some damn ED (eating disorder) over fucking popcorn.  Im not going to keep assigning intrinsic value to food.

Today, I will chronicle every thing I eat and post it for  a year.  and its not so I can tweak it.  or examine it.  or feel good or bad about it.  But so that I can just own that I eat food.  sometimes more and sometimes less and sometimes fast and sometimes home cooked.

Those cookies I mentioned earlier.  yeah, I wanted something sweet for after dinner.  The BF and I ran up to Westborn market and I got some baked chicken legs, quinoa and black bean salad and raspberries for dinner.  But I wanted a fucking cookie.  He went to go look at beers and I grabbed a 2 cookie package of chocolate chip shortbread cookies and hurried up and bought them so I could have them and no one would need to know. Then the guilt set in.

A conversation about how I just cant seem to lose these 20lbs Ive put on was discussed.  and these cookies, these fucking cookies, glowed like the One Ring in my purse.  People trying to lose weight dont eat short bread cookies.  Fatty failures do.

We went home, ate our food and then I had a mental breakdown.  Sleep ensued and when I woke up I remembered there were cookies.  I looked at them at 6am and wanted to eat them, very badly. I didnt eat them.  I realized that I hid cookies from someone who couldnt care less if I ate them.  So who was I hiding the cookies from anyway?

Crying in my car on the way to work, I decided I had to make a decision.  I can let food rule me and be haunted by numbers for the rest of my life.  Or I can learn how to not care.  I can own the food I eat.  I can learn to accept that I can be healthy and fit and not 165lbs.  It wont be easy for me.  Food is the bae I just cant break up with.  so lets start with the secret food.  No more secrets, Marty.